 |
Click Home
|
|
Lesson Five: Introductions
The
introduction is the first sentence of your essay and it
plays the dual role of setting the theme of your essay
and engaging the reader. The introduction should not be
overly formal. You do not want an admissions officer to
start reading your essay and think, “here we go
again.” Although admissions officers will try to
give the entire essay a fair reading, they are only human
-- if you lose them after the first sentence, the rest of
your essay will not get the attention it deserves.
General
Tips
- Don’t
Say Too Much. Just tell the story! Your
introduction should not be so complex and so
lengthy that it loses the reader before they
even start. You have the rest of the essay to
say what you want. There’s no need to
pack it all into the first sentence. This
leads to the next tip…
- Don't
Start Your Essay with a Summary. If you
summarize, the admissions officer does not
need to read the rest of your essay. You want
to start your essay with something that makes
the reader want to read until the very end.
Once you have drawn the reader in through the
first one to three sentences, the last
sentence in your introductory paragraph
should explain clearly and briefly what the
point of the whole essay is. That is, why you
are using this person, place, or thing. What
does it say about you?
- Create
Mystery or Intrigue in your Introduction.
It is not necessary or recommended that your
first sentence give away the subject matter.
Raise questions in the minds of the
admissions officers to force them to read on.
Appeal to their senses and emotions to make
them relate to your subject matter.
Types
of Introductions
Please select a
link below for examples and descriptions of various
introductions.
Note:
The below essays were not edited by EssayEdge Editors.
They appear as they were initially reviewed by admissions
officers.
Academic
Introduction: This is the
type of introduction you would use for a standardized
test or a history paper. A typical standard introduction
answers one or more of the six basic questions: who,
what, when, where, why, and how. It gives the reader an
idea of what to expect. You should try to stay away from
simply restating the question unless you are limited by a
word count and need to get to the point quickly. Your
basic academic introduction or thesis statement is best
used as the follow-up sentence to one of the more
creative introductions described below.
Examples:
One of the
greatest challenges I've had to overcome was
moving from Iran to the United States. Iran was
in deep political turmoil when I left, as it is
today.
EssayEdge
Says: This introduction is clear and to the
point, and will prepare your reader for the ideas you
want to discuss. However, it is rather unexciting and
will not immediately engage your reader. As
mentioned, you should try to preface it with a more
creative statement. In addition, it makes one typical
error. One should usually avoid using contractions in
a formal essay, for example, “I’ve.”
Through
all of my accomplishments and disappointments, I
have always been especially proud of the
dedication and fervor I possess for my personal
beliefs and values.
EssayEdge
Says: This is a very effective introduction to an
essay about your personality. Mentioning pride is a
good way to indicate how important your beliefs and
values are to you. In a sentence like this, however,
it would be better to use “Throughout”
rather than “Through.”
“Throughout” better expresses the
widespread, expansive tone you want to give this
sentence.
Back to Top
Creative
Introduction: A creative
introduction catches the reader off-guard with an opening
statement that leaves the reader smiling or wondering
what the rest of the essay contains.
Examples:
Imagine
yourself a freshman in high school, beginning
your independence. As the oldest child, I was the
first to begin exploring the worlds of dating,
extra-curricular clubs and upperclassmen.
However, one afternoon my parents sat my two
sisters and me down. They said…
EssayEdge
Says: The power of this introduction is that it
places the reader in your shoes, making him or her
more interested in what takes place in the rest of
the essay. Its main mistake is that its informality
gives the essay a slightly hokey or corny tone.
Although a greater degree of informality is allowed
in a creative essay, you must be careful not to take
it too far.
I am a
dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and
crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for
three days in a row.
EssayEdge
Says: This introduction is both creative and
effective. It amuses the reader by listing a bizarre
and probably fictitious set of achievements, thus
demonstrating the writer’s imagination (and
poking fun at the admissions process). At the same
time, its light tone avoids sounding too obnoxious.
As a note, you should remember that good use of
semicolons will impress your reader: “I
translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees; I write
award-winning operas; I manage time
efficiently.”
Back to Top
Action
Introduction: An Action
Introduction takes the reader into the middle of an
action sequence. By not building up to the story, it
forces the reader to read on to find out not only the
significance of this moment in time, but what led up to
and followed it. It is perfect for short essays where
space must be conserved or for narrative essays that
begin with a story.
Examples:
I promised
God I would eat all my peas, but He didn’t
care. A confused eleven-year-old girl, I sat and
listened to my father pace. With each heavy step
echoing loudly throughout the silent house, my
family’s anxiety and anticipation mounted
while awaiting news of my grandfather's health.
My heart racing, I watched the clock, amazed that
time could crawl so slowly. Finally, the
telephone interrupted the house’s solemn
silence. I heard my father repeating the words
"yes, yes, of course." He then hung up
the receiver and announced my grandfather's death
and cancer's victory.
EssayEdge
Says: This is the kind of introduction that will
immediately intrigue your reader because it begins
with a very unusual declaration. The image of a
little girl eating peas and hoping to acquire
God’s help is charming while hinting at the
solemnity of the situation described.
Surrounded
by thousands of stars, complete silence, and
spectacular mountains, I stood atop New
Hampshire's Presidential Range, awestruck by
nature's beauty. Immediately, I realized that I
must dedicate my life to understanding the causes
of the universe's beauty.
EssayEdge
Says: The first ten words of this essay will
catch your reader’s attention, mainly because
they create a mental image of perfect natural beauty.
Note that you should try to avoid repeating key
words. In this instance, it would be easy to avoid
repeating the word “beauty.” You could
simply use “magnificence” or
“loveliness” instead.
Back to Top
Dialogue
Introduction: Like the
action introduction, the dialogue introduction brings the
reader directly into the action, only this time in the
form of dialogue. If you are writing about an influential
figure in your life, you can mention a quote from this
person that exemplifies the importance that he or she had
on your life.
Examples:
"You
must stop seeing that Russian girl, " I
ordered my brother when he returned home last
summer from the University of Indianapolis.
Echoing the prejudiced, ignorant sentiment that I
had grown up with, I believed it was wrong to
become seriously involved with a person who does
not follow the Hindu religion and is not a member
of the Indian race.
EssayEdge
Says: Multicultural awareness is a key aspect of
fitting in well at a university, and admissions
officers are very aware of this. Thus, it is an
excellent idea to mention how you expanded your
cultural sensitivity. Beginning the essay by
admitting that you were once less tolerant is a
compelling way to demonstrate just how much you have
grown as a person.
On the
verge of losing consciousness, I asked myself:
"Why am I doing this?" Why was I
punishing my body? I had no answer; my mind
blanked out from exhaustion and terror. I had no
time to second-guess myself with a terrifying man
leaning over my shoulder yelling: "You can
break six minutes!" As flecks of spit flew
from his mouth and landed on the handle bar of
the ergometer, I longed to be finished with my
first Saturday rowing practice and my first
fifteen-hundred-meter “erg test.”
EssayEdge
Says: The power of this introduction comes from
its attention to detail. The question “Why am I
doing this?” gains support from every horrible
detail: the exhaustion, the terrifying man, and the
specks of spit flying from his mouth! With such
strong supporting evidence, the quotation takes on a
life of its own. Your reader will find himself
thinking, “Why would anyone do that? I’d
like to find out…”
Back to Top
Overarching
Societal Statements: Rather than using a
traditional thesis statement you can put forth a societal
observation that ties into the theme of your essay. This
can be very effective if the statement is unique and
gives a glimpse into how you view the world. It can be
detrimental if your statement is debatable or unclear.
Make sure that if you use this form of introduction that
no admissions office will take offense to it.
Examples:
High
school is a strange time. After three years of
trying to develop an identity and friends in
middle school, students are expected to mature
immediately on the first day of ninth grade.
EssayEdge
Says: Be careful not to make statements in your
introduction that seem too exaggerated or
unrealistic. After all, no one expects a student to
immediately mature on the first day of ninth grade.
Moreover, if your reader senses that you attained
most of your maturity at the beginning of high
school, he or she might be less than impressed with
your character development. It would be better to
state, “students are expected to enter a new
environment in which they must function with far
greater maturity.”
To this
day, the United States remains driven by the
American Dream, and we often hear of immigrants
who come to this country to search for
opportunities that their native countries lack.
In these tales, immigrants succeed through hard
work, dedication, and a little luck. As
idealistic as the story may seem, I have been
fortunate enough to experience its reality in the
life of one very important man. His example has
had great impact on my personal expectations and
goals, and the manner in which I approach my own
life.
EssayEdge
Says: This is an excellent way to introduce a
discussion of a person who has influenced you
significantly. Instead of launching immediately into
a list of this man’s excellent qualities and
admirable accomplishments, this introduction lays the
foundation for a comprehensive look at just why the
man had such a profound impact on you. It also places
the most importance on the American Dream, as is
fitting in an essay like this one.
Art is a
reflection of one's self-identity in the most
unaffected manner. Because art is very personal,
it has no right or wrong. The type of art that
has influenced me most is music.
EssayEdge
Says: The first two sentences in this
introduction set the kind of tone you want to
maintain throughout your essay: introspective and
creative. However, it moves on to a very boring and
stilted structure in the third sentence. To keep the
tone creative, you could replace that sentence with
the following: “Although artistic expression can
take many forms, it is music that has captivated
me.”
Back to Top
Personal
Introduction: The Personal
Introduction takes the reader directly into your mind. It
says, “This is what it is like to be me. Let me take
you to my little world.” Since there is a little
voyeur in even the most stern admissions officer, this
type of introduction can be very effective. It is always
in the first person and usually takes an informal,
conversational tone:
Examples:
At times,
I think the world around me is crumbling to the
ground, but it never does. Like most people, I
face the crunches of deadlines and endless
demands on my time, but I have never encountered
the type of adversity that can crush people, that
can drive people crazy, that can drive them to
suicide.
EssayEdge
Says: This introduction is indeed compelling, but
it raises important questions about appropriate
content. Be careful to avoid writing a personal essay
that is far too personal. You do not want your reader
to think that you might have character weaknesses
that prevent you from handling stressful situations
well.
I chuckle
to myself every time I think about this. I am
perceived as a mild-mannered, intelligent
individual until I mention that I am involved in
riflery.
EssayEdge
Says: Did the first sentence of this introduction
confuse you? This was no doubt its intention. By
creating a little mystery in the first sentence, the
reader is forced to keep reading and keep wondering,
“what is this kid’s secret?” until the
final word, which pops in the reader’s mind,
sort of like a gunshot: “riflery.”
Back to Top
Question
Introduction: Many
admissions essays begin with a question. While this is an
easy way to begin an essay, admissions officers may
perceive it as a “lazy introduction.” No one
wants to read an essay that begins with such tacky
material as: “To be or not to be?” or “Are
you looking for an applicant who has drive and
determination? Well, I’m your guy.” If you are
going to use a question, make sure that it is an
extremely compelling one and that your experiences
provide answers.
Example:
Influence?
Why is it that the people who influence us most
influence us in ways that are not easily
quantified? Through her work with abused
children, my mother has shown me the heroism of
selfless dedication to a worthy cause.
EssayEdge
Says: With one word, this introduction takes an
essay question about the person who has most
influenced you and turns it back around to the
admissions board. In effect, you are telling them
that you have thought about their question
thoroughly. You have thought about it for so long
that you have a couple of questions of your own -
questions that have sparked an interesting
commentary.
Back to Top
Quotation
Introduction: Many writers
are tempted to start their essay with a quote. You should
try to resist this temptation, as most quotes will look
forced. Admissions officers will be turned off if it is
apparent that you searched through a book of famous
quotes and came up with a quote from some famous
philosopher about whom you know nothing. The quotation
introduction is most effective when the quote you choose
is unusual, funny, or obscure, not too long, and from
those to whom you are closest. Choose a quote with a
meaning you plan to reveal to the reader as the essay
progresses. The admissions committee is interested in how
you respond to the quote and what that response says
about you.
Examples:
John F.
Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can
do for you; ask what you can do for your
country." I see academics as a similar
two-way interaction: in the classroom, I will do
much more than take up valuable space. Because of
the broad range of experiences I have had, my
knowledge of many subjects is thorough. These
experiences will help me perform well in any
class, as I have learned how to use my time
efficiently.
EssayEdge
Says: This is a risky quote with which to begin
an essay. After all, it is difficult to imagine a
more time-worn or oft-repeated statement. However,
this introduction goes on to apply this quote in a
relatively unique manner. The contrast between such a
standard quotation and such an interesting
application will likely catch your reader’s
attention.
"Experience
is what you receive when you don’t get what
you want." I remembered my father’s
words as I tried to postpone the coming massacre.
Just as during the fall of the Roman Empire, my
allies became enemies and my foes turned into
partners. In fast and furious action with
property changing hands again and again, I rested
my fate on the words of one man, hoping he would
rescue me from this dangerous tailspin. Do these
experts realize the heartbreak they are
inflicting on my young life? While the
uncertainty of tomorrow’s attire is the most
pressing concern for many seventeen-year-olds, I
must worry about much greater issues! It is
August 31, the market is down over 300 points and
the value of my stock portfolio is falling fast.
EssayEdge
Says: Quoting a person with whom you enjoy a
close relationship is generally preferable to quoting
a famous source. This passage’s strength comes
from the brief, understated role that the quote
plays. The short statement introduces the rest of the
paragraph and presents the fundamental point, and
then the essay moves on to examine specific details.
This is the ideal role of a quotation.
Back to Top
Now
it’s your turn. Select one of the above styles (or
make up your own) and try to write an introduction to
your essay. Spend some time picking the right style and
choosing the best words possible.
Continue to
Conclusions
From ESSAYS THAT
WILL GET YOU INTO COLLEGE, by Amy Burnham, Daniel
Kaufman, and Chris Dowhan.
Copyright 1998 by Dan Kaufman. Reprinted by
arrangement with Barron's Educational Series, Inc.
|
